And we've all the time in the world

5am thoughts

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 09:22:30 GMT

There is a woman I aspire to be. Not the theoretical woman I can maybe be, but an actual woman who I look up to, quietly. Tonight, I went back and read some of her old LJ entries, from 8, 9 years ago, when she was 24 and 25 - my age. Just to see who she was then.

I learned that, like me, she didn't fit in with her family (though she had to deal with more fucked-up shit than I did). That, like me, she never graduated high school. That, like me, she had insecurities and dreams and fears and dreaded spending time with her family sometimes.

We are different women. But gods is it comforting to be able to tell myself - sincerely, for once - that I'm not a failure, or a lost cause, or doomed to work in an adult bookstore for the rest of my life.

I wish I could thank her for posting those posts, and keeping them public, without sounding like a creeper. Ah well, it's probably for the best.

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Oh, look... I exist. >_>

Mon, 30 May 2011 00:50:30 GMT

So, yeah, I fail at updating this blog. Er. Sorry?

So FOR MY BIRTHDAY last week, my parents got me (drumroll) the boxed set of ALL THREE Extended Edition Lord of the Rings DVDs. :D And watching all the special features (and watching all three films back to back with my grandmother this weekend) has really rekindled my passion for it. I fell out of the fandom mostly when I started having issues with religion and sexuality the summer after I graduated high school, and I never quite made it back, moving forward from fandom to fandom. But to this day, LotR remains the fandom I was involved with the most deeply and the longest, and I've missed it desperately, I've found.

So I've re-begun my scholarship of the Elvish languages and lettering (beginning with Quenya, the older, original version, because that seems like a logical place to start), am planning to use most of my birthday money on books if I can (namely the History of Middle Earth series, but also The Silmarillion, The Unfinished Tales, and The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien), have re-introduced myself to my old forums, and am generally being a huge geek.

And NOW, after my first plane (all of 30 minutes from Colo Springs to Denver, wtf?), I'm doing research into other aspects of language and writing in Middle Earth, and looking to see if there's a linguistics or medieval studies program at any of the schools near me. XD

Yes, I'm a giant Tolkien geek and I know it.

Anyway, I'm alive, I'm geeking out over Tolkien, and will be home tomorrow morning.

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In Which Beka Realises She's Kind Of Dumb

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 10:41:02 GMT

...er, yeah, on reflection, it occurred to me that being sleep deprived AND on crutches is probably not a good idea. So while I'm still definitely determined to shift to a polyphasic schedule, or try to, I'm going to postpone it until I'm actually able to walk on my own reliably. I need that ankle in good working condition, after all.

This is actually very irritating. I'd psyched myself up and everything, and now I'm putting it off. *sigh* Well, maybe I'll be able to add some more things to my "things to do" list to help me stay awake when I do it.

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In Which Beka Purposefully Becomes Sleep Deprived

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 02:02:19 GMT

Okay, so.

I, as I know a lot of you are, have a really funky sleep schedule. Because my body would rather be UP at night, I often can't fall asleep until late, and I end up spending days in a haze because I'm only getting 4-5 hours of sleep for a night, sometimes for days on end. And I've managed to drag myself through those parts, but I rarely come out of it feeling properly rested.

So, after a lot of reading the past couple days, I'm going to dedicate the next month or two to trying to adapt to a polyphasic sleep schedule.

What the fuck is that, you ask? Well, here's what I'm planning to do: Sleep from 1am-4am every night. Get up, fuck around (or maybe even WRITE, gasp shock awe) until 8, at which point I will crawl back into bed for a 20 minute nap. I will nap for 20 minutes again at 2 (on my lunch hour), and then once more at 9pm. First hand accounts report feeling more rested and energetic, and the extra time to be productive would be nice. I don't foresee as many issues staying awake between naps as some people have reported, if only because I'm a bit more used to operating on very little sleep. My one concern is waking up on time, but I like to think I have the willpower for that if it's important, so long as I have Aub get me up or I set multiple alarms. From all accounts, after a couple of months on a regular schedule, I should find it a lot easier to get up.

So, yeah, I'm embarking on an exercise to see if only sleeping 4 hours of ever 24 might make me a happier, more rested person. Or possibly I will go a bit nutty from short-term sleep deprivation. I guess we'll find out, won't we? Wish me luck!

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So apparently I turned into copperbadge yesterday...

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 07:50:05 GMT

So.

Yesterday (meaning Thursday, since it's only 2am), we decided to do laundry. Well, I decided to do laundry, and Aubrey (to my everlasting gratefulness after the fact) decided to come with me. Now, the reason this was a big deal was that we had to take a probably 30-odd minute hike down the hill to GET to the laundromat, with a heavy bag of laundry on my back. But whatever, it's all good, we're trekking, and within sight of the laundromat parking lot...

When my foot hits the edge of the pavement at just the wrong angle, twists under me, and the full 200+ lbs of me-and-laundry comes down on the side of my ankle.

Cue horrible pain. Seriously, it took everything I had to just turn from hands-and-knees to sitting in the mud while I was sobbing from pain. Poor Aubrey was just trying to get me somewhat coherent and I was mostly just sobbing incoherently because my ankle fucking hurt.

A few members of a local track team (I THINK high school, but possibly from one of the colleges), happened to jog by just about then, apparently. I didn't notice them, all I noticed was suddenly we were surrounded by boys. They were very sweet and flagged down a car going back in the direction of our house, and helped me over to it. The guy I was leaning on was kind of adorably apologetic for being sweaty and smelly - I just said he was helping so I didn't mind. The lady who stopped was also very kind, and helped me get inside after driving us home.

Once I was in bed, we got some ice on it, and I called my friend Laura's mum to see if she could drive us to the convenient care clinic. She did, and was wonderful about it. She got us SUPPER, and took me to the pharmacy afterwards for my pain meds, and got us GROCERIES, and... just was about the next best thing to having my mum actually here.

In the end, it's just a sprain, and I've been kinda drugged up for the past day, so I'm not entirely sure how much it actually hurts. XD I'm on crutches, though, my ankle's still swollen, and getting to work tomorrow is going to be fuuuuuun. -_- I didn't technically have to go in, but I was supposed to be having some training, so I called my photographer in to deal with the customers, and I'm going to sit off on the side with my foot up.

And we STILL don't have any clean laundry.

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Ebook Wank?

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 07:53:03 GMT

So apparently there's been ebook piracy wank? Nice roundup here, it's all I've really heard about it, but I wanted to say what I think about it:

I like to support authors I enjoy, and authors I think I might enjoy. Even if the book's crap, the author worked hard on it, and if it were my book, I'd like it if people paid money for my writing.

On the other hand, I can't always afford to buy books, especially when I'm not sure if I'll like the book. I don't download ebooks often, but I have in the past. And if it's that hard for me, what about the people in other countries, developing countries who'd have to pay an arm and a leg and wait for weeks just to get the hard copy. For them, it's really the only logical way to get hold of some books. Sometimes the official ebooks that you pay for aren't available in other countries. Sometimes there just ISN'T an official ebook. Sometimes it has a very specific file format that you need a very specific reader to read.

And, in the end, what I and most writers I know really want is for people to read what we write, and enjoy it. So, y'know, if I ever get published, I'd LIKE it if you paid for the book, but if you can't, it's no big deal. This is me officially saying that you may download my book "unofficially", in the event that a free download is not made available officially (a la copperbadge and Cory Doctrow).

And with that, I wander off to do... something. Maybe play Dragon Age...

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Talkin' 'bout hey now!

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 02:21:41 GMT

So I was fiddling around with uke chords earlier, and had been looking for Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls chords and stumbled across some for Iko Iko. Uh, so... I sort of recorded it.

Iko Iko (Applesauce Cover)

What can I say, I like showing off. ^^;; Enjoy!

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The darkness

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 18:33:31 GMT

( Cut for very very frank talk of suicide )

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Power, sex, and nuance

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 04:45:48 GMT

Okay, this probably isn't going to be all that in-depth of a post, and it is going to contain sexual nudity. Unless someone from Dreamwidth asks me to, however, I'm not going to mark it as 18+ because I think that things like this are good for people who might be younger to think about and acknowledge and be comforted by.

I follow, off and on, a website called Male Submission Art, run by an awesome guy with a lot of awesome ideas named maymay. I often wish I lived on the west coast just so I could meet him - he's smart, outspoken for what he believes, and is very big on trying to dissolve the stigma that surrounds sex - especially, but not solely, kinky sex. He's a submissive man, who likes to feel pretty, and if I can be half as well-spoken and articulate as he is when it comes to things like sex and sexuality, then I'll be a happy puppy.

I was catching up on MSA tonight, and was struck by a couple of images that I came across.

( Sexual images and frank talk about sex in general and sex that I have follow, click at your own risk. :) )

This has been rambly and largely pointless, but... I get thinky and it all spills out. Oops. Uh... happy new year, everybody. :)

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I know you won't see this, but...

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 22:20:34 GMT

Dear Yuletide Recipient:

I really really like your prompt. I am BURNING with the desire to write it, and write it WELL. Unfortunately, the amount of knowledge of a field outside pretty much ANY of my experience would require both multiple beta readers WITH experience, and more research than I can handle in such a short timeframe.

This doesn't mean I won't write it. Oh, no, I am doing my best. But I apologise, because all my knowledge has been derived from one romantic comedy film and a couple episodes of various TV shows, so the accuracy is going to be utter SHIT.

I am sorry, but hopefully you can look beyond the discrepancies and enjoy the relationship that's framed within. I think you'll like it, even if it won't be as epic and amazing as I wish it could be.

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Dear Yuletide Author:

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:17:42 GMT

Hello Yuletide Author!

So, if you got me, I am PSYCHED, because OMG, none of these fandoms have much written for them. So you pretty much rock on principle. :D I'll go over some general notes for me and fic, and then move on to specific requests - but really, as long as you're not writing me PWP or a fic with a focus on smut (I'm not the biggest fan, honestly - I like a good smutty scene or three or five, but only if they're part of a bigger story), then we'll be good. ;)

So, in general, I'll take... pretty much anything. Angst? Bring it. Fluff? Absolutely Torture? Surprisingly fun. AUs? I've known good ones - be discerning, though, no generic High School AUs. Death? GO FOR IT! My only caveat is if you're writing Enchanted, it has to have a HAPPY ending. Because Enchanted is my happy shiny fun place where I go when I have bad days. You can torment and break them all you like, as long as they're happy at the end.

Toby and Rose have no such caveats. ;)

Sparrow Hill Road If you are AWESOME ENOUGH to be writing for this fandom, then I will worship you for all time, just because it's... pretty much non-existant, to my knowledge, and it will make me epic happy to know it exists. I... really have no specific requests for this one, just ROSE. Some snarky 1st person narration, a little bit of excitement, at least one stranger's coat - maybe the wrong stranger. ;) You go wild, write whatever SHR fic you want to write - I can pretty much guarantee I'll love it.

Toby Daye Okay, lucky for you if you got this fandom, I actually have a vague idea of what I'd like (if you so desire) so you're not writing in the vacuum of SHR. XD I'd like Toby, and Quentin (who was, for some reason, not on the list of characters) with optional (but highly adored) cameos/leading role by Tybalt. It would be cool if there were at least an ASPECT of Toby coming to terms with her (pretty obvious, you've gotta admit) attraction to Tybalt - if not liking it or acting on it, at least admitting it to herself. I don't particularly want introspection, though, so that's not too big a deal. I'd like an adventure. It doesn't have to be as wickedly complicated as Seanan's amazing plots, because gods know I'd never be able to pull that off and I don't expect you to be able to either - the woman's got SKILLS. I also think she might be an alien. Or possibly a robot. Regardless, something a little actiony, a little death-defying. It can be funny fluffy action, it can be dark angsty action, it can be action that mostly takes a backseat to Toby and Tybalt having AWESOME BANTER. I just don't want a mainly introspective fic.

Enchanted If ever I had an OTP, it would be Giselle/Robert. If you want to have additional pairings (threesomes and triangles rock!) that is fine, but I do want Giselle/Robert. they are my happy. Maybe something to do with Nancy, or Giselle really acclimating to our world, or maybe some horrible villain from Andalasia kidnaps her and Robert has to go swashbuckling through HER world to rescue her (only to find, of course, that she's rescued herself at the end - she's tougher than she looks, after all). It can be happy and funny, or you can take it dark if you like, just, as I said at the beginning, make sure it ends happy. ^^

Anyway, I'm sure I will like ANYTHING you put in front of me. :) AND if you'd like clarification or maybe further prompts (I'm not sure what the Yuletide stance is on this) I DO have anonymous commenting active, so you can ask away and I shall answer. :)

Much love,
Beka (starletfallen)

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Oh, look, a Beka!

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 21:25:15 GMT

So, uh. Hi. I've been pretty scarce lately, though I HAVE been keeping up with my DW reading list. I suppose my fleeting desire to blog has mostly been filled by my WoW blog lately. On that note, I've been questioning why exactly I've tried to keep my "Real Life" and my WoW life so separate - mostly because I've started becoming comfortable enough with my friends there that I HAVE been doing things like linking them to this blog (not from my WoW blog, but I have) and so forth. I think, really, it was a large amount of feeling embarrassed for having a WoW blog at all.

The thing is, though, that (despite hardware issues that might make raiding an impossibility in the new expansion) WoW has taken a higher priority in how I spend my free time than it used to, higher than some things that used to be the most important things in the world to me. It's a bit disconcerting, but... it's part of my life. I'll still keep WoW stuff to a minimum here, but I suppose if any of you are curious as to what I blog about in my WoW blog, I will provide a link here:

Azeroth Apple - that's my blog. I go by Apple in those circles. The funny thing is, I spend so much time with them that sometimes I find myself referring or almost referring to myself as "Apple" among people who don't even call me that. Rambling Apple is rambling. Heh.

Anyway, that's how I've been spending most of my recreational time. Work is still awesome, so there's actually not much to say there, other than my coworkers (other than my one Coworker Fail) are amazing and I've never had so much fun on a job in my life.

I've been doing Nano, too. I hit 25k towards the beginning of the week and... sputtered out. I keep meaning to write, but... I don't know. I'll probably pick back up tomorrow, I just needed to pull back so I didn't fry my brain, I think. Instead, I've been watching movies and crocheting. I made Aub a pair of fingerless gloves, since I still haven't finished the pair I started knitting last year, and now I'm working on a jacket for my mum.

I spent an obscene amount of money on yarn so I could crochet a birthday/christmas present. For my MUM. Who I don't always even get along with. Who has in the past said HORRIBLE things about me and my loved ones, based on sexuality or religion. And yet... I was struck by the overwhelming urge to do it, out of nowhere. My dad's sending me money to compensate for that obscene amount spent on yarn, so that's nice, but still - where did it even come from?

In my heart, I still believe that the sudden, out-of-the-blue nagging drive to... call someone or give a gift or just say "I love you" is more than just a random thought in your brain. Mum would say it's the Holy Spirit - I wouldn't say it's necessarily only that. I think it could be one of many things - a subconscious empathic intuition, a deity, a friendly spirit of some sort, echoes from the future. I don't know. My mum is going to need this coat, this gift from me - not because she needs the item, but because she needs to know I love her, that I'd put a lot of effort into something for her. I don't know why, but... /shrug. I guess that's just how it is. So I'm working on it, making a very pretty cardigan/jacket/thing in her favourite shade of blue.

...and that's what I've been doing, internet. How are you today?

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New Job and Initiating a Deck

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 05:18:21 GMT

SO. New Job. I've been very mum over the journals, I apologise - it is AMAZING. J, the manager, is phenomenal, and M the assistant manager is a riot. I have one very Cute Coworker who I have to admit, I'm nursing a crush on, but that's okay because she's a sweetie, and she's the CUTEST with her boyfriend. The four of us, if nothing goes wrong, will be the core staff after holidays, according to J. I still need to work on speeding up in the camera room and in editing, but my sales are great, and I AM getting faster, I just need more practise getting the little'uns to do what I want. Though I'm not sure if I'll EVER be able to get down to the 15 minutes for 9-12 poses that will be required come Christmas.

I broke in a new tarot deck today! I got my hands on Zach Wong's Revelations deck a while back (saw it in a used bookstore for, like $12, and had to have it, considering how much I loved Jaqui's deck), and it's just been chillin' in the house, waiting for me to break it out. This was probably a good thing - gave it a chance to release all that energy it picked up from the bookstore and the previous owner, and pick up a lot of our energy here. I did a couple readings for me (one of which I messed up by forgetting what the cards were signifying, and one of which seemed pretty positive on the employment front) and one for Mat, my darling angel upon whom I have currently inflicted Babylon Wood. It was SHOCKINGLY accurate, for what I was expecting and what I was planning, though I was startled by the appearance of the Tower in his spread - I've only ever drawn it once before, I think. Still, not really BAD, just difficult for him, poor bit. But I mentioned the spread to my friend Jenna, who's playing Lily Evans in BW, because Lily showed up in a "foundation/influence" position, as the Queen of Wands.

Jenna actually asked me, then, if I'd read HER cards. Well, I've never really read for other people in a serious way before, so with the caveat that I'm summarising from a book and will possibly be HORRIBLY off, and that it's not an exact science, and so forth, I read her cards. It was... kind of exhilarating, to be perfectly honest, and after just giving the meanings for all the cards in their positions (I mostly use a celtic cross spread - it's my favourite), I offered my own interpretation of the main themes, since she was a little unsettled by the last card (Queen of Wands reversed). So I offered my take on it. Which, honestly, had been building the whole reading, just strengthened by every additional card, so I was pretty confident about it. I'm not going to spout it off here, but it was something I felt very strongly about for some reason - maybe because the spread indicated such a Rachel Berry soul in her, which would not surprise me in the LEAST. Just... I don't know - it made me feel like I did something GOOD. Like I was able to tell her that yeah, these tough things are coming, but you have the strength to handle it, if not in yourself alone, then through the support of your friends.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a silly girl with a deck of pretty cards, pretending to know what I'm doing. But it felt right, and that's something that I can say very rarely about extending my own spiritual knowledge to someone else.

/toddles off to bed

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Quick post

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 12:27:00 GMT

So have I mentioned that I got a new job?

I did. Sears Portrait Studio. Seasonal hire.

Did I mention I love it and have been making plans to impress my boss so she keeps me after Christmas?

Yeah, I have been.

So, uh, basically I've been training for just shy of a week, and my boss has already outright TOLD ME that she wants to keep me after Christmas. HOLY CRAP, GUYS, THIS ROCKS. :D

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Things I am not: Okay

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 00:32:41 GMT

( Cut for emotional word vomit that I won't inflict on you if you don't feel like reading )

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THERE SEEMS TO BE NO REASON FOR THE TOUCAN'S BEAK TO BE SO COLORFUL.

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 23:09:22 GMT

So Aub's dad is getting sent overseas for six months, she's here, her sister's at college, and her brother's going to be staying with her stepmom, so they're cleaning out the house and sending us packages with her stuff. And today came a box full of Aubrey's old school papers, from about 1993-1996. Kindergarten to the beginning of 3rd grade. And, uh...

Well, Aubrey was a very special child.

( Cut for hilarity and your sanity )

And I will end this little trip down memory lane with the epitome of hilarious. The "Jungel Pictures" construction-paper-book full of pages like "leopords love to climb", starts off with the following statement:

"There seems to be no reson for the toucan's beek to be so colorful."

My girlfriend, ladies and gentlemen.

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Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:00:32 GMT

Soooooo y'all may or may not know that an accidental encounter with a gamer on OKCupid led to making a pretty spiffy new friend (who I call Spooky, because I already have one Chris in my life - LOVE YA BB!). A pretty spiffy new friend who lives ONLY AN HOUR AWAY and plays WoW and is ADORABLE and bi and ginger and I just want to pinch his cheeks sometimes.

Today, he is driving up here to hang at the mall. :D! Huzzah!

So nao I go get dressed and drive over there. <3 be good, kids!

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Wed, 07 Jul 2010 05:46:19 GMT

Uh, so because I'm silly, I'm importing my OLD LJ. The one from, y'know, way back when. It's all under flock, I believe, but if you're friended, then feel free to go marvel at the time when I thought that I was a Good Heterosexual Christian Girl (or GHCG), and witness (part of) my slow decline into debauchery. ;)

Sadly, GJ is long departed, or I'd import that one, too - there's a distinct break between May 2005 and August 2005 where I was ONLY on GJ, and before that, a lot of my less... GHCG moments were on that. Alas, those posts are lost to the sands of time.

Still, it's interesting stuff, if you can sift through the totally inane BS I used to write about. As opposed to NOW, when all my posts are intelligent and interesting, right? ;)

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Signalboost!

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 03:22:49 GMT

HOKAY SO, Sam over at copperbadge is boosting a signal for a woman with a young son who is trying to get out of an unhealthy and dangerous relationship, and could use some monetary support, via her etsy shop.

Infopost is here, and her etsy shop is at Wearwolf Girls. She's got some awesome stuff, and I've got a necklace reserved until I get my paycheck Thursday, because DAMN. :D Go take a look, and if you can afford it, buy something you like. She could use it.

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SPARKLEPONIES!

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 04:44:49 GMT

So at the prompting of myself and a couple other people, Aubrey has put up a Valdemar crossover memething! Prompt fic! Write fic! Do whatever you want! :D

It's the childhood of pretty much everyone involved so far, but I'm gleeing because I ONLY JUST started reading the Valdemar books. WHO CARES, EPIC FUN. COME JOIN US!

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Mon, 28 Jun 2010 21:15:01 GMT

Just found the cutest little exchange in this nearly year-old thread.

Miniver: I am the prince of a thousand lands, and of none! I have been a King among peasants, and a peasant among kings! I have seen the end of the universe, and I have seen the beginning of another. Once I was the richest man in all worlds. Once I lived in none. I have danced with gods and been sung to sleep by fallen angels. And once, just for a little while, I could almost have claimed to be more than I was, and been telling the truth.

Lilo: And sometimes you sleep on our couch!

Miniver: Yes. And sometimes that.

So much love for Miniver, and my VennaVenVen, and undertherainbow. But mostly Miniver. :P

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The Big Bang

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 01:59:05 GMT

DOCTOR WHO WAS PERFECT.

I have very little coherent response beyond that. :)

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Dreamwidth Commentfic!

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 22:46:19 GMT

So I posted about this awesome ficathon a couple days ago. WELL, come to find out, someone on DW has decided that it would be a good idea to have a DW version of the commentfic-athon, for those writers who don't have an LJ, don't like using LJ, or what have you. :)

Go! Prompt! Write! Link!

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AWESOME LADIES FICATHON!

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 00:30:54 GMT

They're having both a "turn your fic in later" ficathon and a commentfic-athon. I am SO all for this. It was prompted by CBS' fail in cutting JJ and Emily out of Criminal Minds for next season, as far as I know, but it's all about celebrating women in fandoms, and that's definitely something I can get behind. I'm going to use it to get my Giselle on, if I can convince anyone but me to actually PROMPT it... >.>

In the meantime, I'm going to go icon some more.

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Icons!

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:05:40 GMT

So I copied my two proper RP-icon sets to a new DW journal, and am crossposting to a new journal on InsaneJournal. >.> Since I'm going to be churning out three more RP sets soon (animated Giselle, live-action Giselle, and Robert, all from Enchanted), I figured a separate journal for all this, and if I ever do the icon sets I keep thinking about doing, would be handy.

SO! If you'd like to follow icons on DW, it's ordinaryicons, and if you're an IJ-icon follower (as I know some people are), it's ordinaryicons! :)

Back to my ICONS OF EPIC, now.

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